I am making this post in order to clearly demonstrate the changes to my narrative. I have rewritten parts of the screenplay in accordance with how much I think I will need to cut down or cut out completely.
The changes I have made are outlined below:
- Instead of using the same monologue for the voiceover, I decided to rewrite it in order to keep is more impersonal and less emotionally involved. This is because if it was actually Dylan speaking, then the words would've been both emotionally engaging as well as explanative, but using just audio instead of visuals removes some of the engagement that the viewer can connect with.
- I have also removed the spoken interaction between the Father and the Son about the hearing. I feel as though this seems a little forced and just more of an excuse to expand on the backstory, and although I want to show them talking whilst they walk, I don't necessarily want it to be reflective of the current storyline. Therefore I decided that it would be better if the characters just spoke naturally and realistically about whatever comes to mind.
- Without the scene with Dylan laying the flowers at the start, the audience will have to infer in the final scene that the first bouquet has been laid by him. I think that this could work quiet nicely in terms of ambiguity and subtext, allowing viewers to speculate for themselves.
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